Sexual Arousal and Anorgasmia
One of the more common factors playing into delayed ejaculation is that the man is not really aroused, sexually, even if he has a hard erection.
This seems to be the outcome of two different factors: the desire or compulsion to please his partner, and resentment or the inability to become sexually aroused. Often a man with DE can only reach orgasm during sex by using some seriously “heavy duty” sexual stimulation which often takes the form of hard-core fantasy.
Now clearly there’s a problem here: the man isn’t being aroused by the presence of his partner, or what she does to him (and indeed, the same is true of many sexual partnerships), but by what’s going on in his head.
This is a very unreliable method for men to become sexually aroused – and the older they get less reliable becomes, thereby compounding the problem as time goes by.
It’s perhaps a fact that is not often appreciated, but sexual arousal begins and ends in the body, and therefore one of the major aspects of treatment for ejaculation problems is to shift the man from becoming aroused by using fantasy to a place where he becomes aroused by what’s happening to his body.
This requires a fairly major shift in attitude and approach, and it certainly requires a willingness to be open and connected to his partner. Another element that is critical is the ability to be in the moment, without worrying about his sexual performance, or indeed anything else.
Enjoying better sex is all about filling in the gaps in your experience, discovering the things you don’t know about sex with a partner, and using the techniques that are necessary to become more aroused and speed up your ejaculation.
And, if you’re simply not getting enough sexual stimulation to make you feel sexually aroused, you can use my program to quickly increase your sexual sensitivity and responsiveness: that will quickly increase the level of sensuality in your sexual relationship and help you ejaculate much more easily.
Some “experts” have suggested that men with DE might be angry or hostile towards their partner (or perhaps towards women in general), and seem to think that delayed ejaculation, the withholding of semen, is some kind of passive-aggressive behavior.
I have a problem with this idea because I think it’s actually quite demeaning to men who really want to solve their sexual problems and engage in full, open-hearted sexual activity with their partner. (It seems especially disrespectful to those who want to have a baby with their partner.)
The vast majority of men men want a better sexual relationship with great sex.
What you have to remember, I think, is that delayed ejaculation treatment is basically about helping a couple to connect more fully, enjoy a better sex life, respect and relish each other’s bodies, and get the right level of sexual pleasure for them.
At the same time, you need to respect each other’s boundaries and limits. We don’t all want a rampant sex life, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s perfectly acceptable to set limits on what you want to enjoy and to make it clear to your partner what you want to do in bed.
How To Overcome Delayed Ejaculation!
So at this point you may be able to see that the treatment approach will involve relaxation, reduction in anxiety, establishment of greater emotional intimacy, and techniques to ensure physical arousal whilst simultaneously reducing the pressure that a man feels to pleasure a woman (which generally means bring her to orgasm).
Hopefully all of this will become a lot clearer when you have the chance to look at the treatment program (follow the arrow!), where you can pick and choose the information that is most relevant to you, the stuff that will give you the greatest chance of achieving a happy and fulfilling sex life, whatever that means to you.
Treatment for delayed ejaculation will always be aimed at increasing the level of arousal a man feels so that he is able to reach the point of no return (ejaculatory inevitability) quicker.
Often some simple instruction in foreplay techniques can be transformative. Men who don’t actually know how to arouse their partner and believe that she will become aroused simply through penetration can be helped by a treatment program which includes instruction in foreplay techniques, and more particularly in the emotional side of sex which is often necessary to make a woman feel aroused.
Since it’s also a truism that nothing arouses a man like making love to an aroused woman, it’s also helpful for any treatment method to examine why a woman may not be particularly aroused during sex.
In the majority of cases, I have found that this lack of arousal originates in the lack of intimacy and closeness in the relationship.
Once again, learning a different repertoire of sexual and sensual techniques, along with romantic approaches to intimacy, can transform the sexual horizon of a couple.
Of course one of the implications of this treatment strategy is that delayed ejaculation can sometimes serve as a mask which hides deeper relationship issues.
It’s certainly true that many women partners of men who can’t come during sex have orgasmic or sexual difficulties themselves, and indeed it’s also true that sometimes these difficulties are projected on to the man.
This would be the case, for example, where a woman complained that “if only the man could reach orgasm, she herself would be able to achieve orgasm”.
Where a woman is sexually naïve, and expects too much of her man, for example in initiating and leading sex, it’s also obvious that treatment needs to incorporate some education or information for the woman so that she can adjust her expectations of how sex operates in a balanced relationship.
In other words, she may need educating about sexuality and the sexual journey from desire to orgasm.
In essence, the focus of any sexual relationship should be on achieving greater sexual arousal with non-demanding touch and stimulation. This is the basis of a treatment approach to sexual dysfunction known as sensate focus.