If you’re wondering about how you are going to be able to solve ejaculation problems, rest assured it isn’t difficult.

To start with, you’re going to train your body to respond more rapidly to sexual stimulation, so that you can reach orgasm more easily.

That’s a matter of engaging in some delightful sensate focus exercises with your partner, all of which are designed to increase your sensitivity to physical stimulation.

And that’s important because, at the root of it, all sexual arousal is down to physical stimulation.

You might think that emotional and mental stimulation is a vital part of sexual activity, and it can certainly help you become aroused – however, the real key to sexual arousal is always physical stimulation.

You see, arousal is rooted in the body. At least, the arousal that generates an erection, and the ability to have intercourse, is rooted in the body.

Next, you’re going to be identifying trigger points on your body which will allow you to respond to sexual stimulation with even greater arousal than you usually experience.

Everyone has “erogenous zones” on the body, but very few people take the time and trouble to explore them in detail.

And that’s a shame, because they really can produce a great deal of physical arousal, and for a man with delayed ejaculation, they can help in the process of reaching orgasm.

Third, you’re going to be finding ways in which you can reduce the level of anxiety that you experience around sex.

Often, men with delayed ejaculation are rather anxious about sex, but they’re not aware that this anxiety can interfere with their sexual responses, meaning that even when they have an erection they might not be able to come.

By dealing with this anxiety and encouraging a different mindset around the prospect of sexual activity, it’s comparatively easy to significantly reduce the level of stimulation that you need to reach orgasm.

The fourth line of attack on the problem of ejaculatory delay or anorgasmia is around learning to be fully present when you’re making love to your partner. By fully present, what we mean is that he’s not “spectatoring” ….

Spectatoring?

This isn’t watching erotic or pornographic images of other people having sex!

According to sex researchers Masters and Johnson, it is watching yourself have sex, accompanied by an anxious, internal, self-conscious dialogue.

The internal chatter can include worries about one’s body (“I wonder if he thinks I look fat”) or about one’s sexual performance (“He must be bored, I’m taking too long to come”; “Does he like the way I am touching him?”).

When spectatoring, a person is intently monitoring their partner and themselves….Not surprisingly, research shows that [this] is less satisfying. Women [and men alike] have fewer real orgasms and more fake orgasms than those who have less internal chatter.

This isn’t surprising, given that it’s hard to be orgasmic while … worrying about what your partner thinks about you and your body. Thinking you “should” have an orgasm can lead you to pretend to have an orgasm.

Exploring Your Feelings – Is Emotional Work Really Needed?

Delayed ejaculation, whether lifelong or acquired later in life, can be the result of negative childhood or adolescent emotional and sexual experiences.

It may also be caused by some negative formative event or a traumatic experience which significantly impacted a man’s sexual development.

In other words, the origins of this problem may lie deep in a man’s unconscious mind.

• Sometimes delayed ejaculation occurs in all situations
• Sometimes DE occurs in all situations

But however it starts, any problem with ejaculation can produce many emotional and practical difficulties for both the man and his sexual / relationship partner.

The most obvious of these will be the effects of not being able to father a child, but frustration for men and a sense of being unattractive or undesirable for women are also very common outcomes.

If Ejaculation Difficulties Are Mostly Psychological, How Are They Cured?

Various forms of anxiety and fear cause delayed ejaculation.

But you may not even be aware of these things. They are what we call repressed – things which are too difficult to accept consciously, and which may lie hidden, denied or repressed in the unconscious mind.

DE is often caused by a complex mix of emotional issues centering on a man’s masculinity, or some kind of challenge, issue, or problem in that area. This is much more about the psychology of masculinity, and the extent to which man has fully stepped into his power and everything a man is naturally meant to be and do….

Here’s one way to do it…

When a man is unable to ejaculate – video

To fully develop a fundamental sense of masculinity, a boy must separate from his mother and identify with his father at some time between 2 and 4.

Unfortunately, these days fathers are often not around, and even if they are, they probably don’t know what they need to do to ensure that their sons develop into men. They may not even have an adequate sense of masculinity themselves.

How Does A Boy Become A Man?

Often dads aren’t able to convey what it means to be an adult, masculine man and how that looks in relationships with women. (Often they don’t even know what that is themselves.)

So if a boy merges with the feminine, doesn’t separate completely from his mother, or she has some kind of inappropriate relationship with him, he may grow up as a man with an imperfect or undeveloped sense of his own masculinity.

You can see this in the way a man often wants to please women rather than to stand his ground and set firm boundaries with them.

(After all, sex should be all about wanting to take your pleasure as you come inside a woman – as well as pleasing her as you do so….)

Indeed, I’ve observed that many men with DE have a tendency to please women.

This becomes clear during sex when a man’s chief objective is to give a woman an orgasm or make her happy. Where is his pleasure in this?

And to be in his own power, he needs to be psychologically separate and emotionally independent from his relationship partner.

Unconscious, Repressed Feelings And Emotions

The human mind being what it is, when we have unconscious and repressed memories, we don’t know they are there. But they can be triggered – and so can the pain that we felt at the time. (It’s the emotional pain which causes the memory of a negative event to be banished into the unconscious.)

In fact, anything which reminds you of a traumatic event that happened when you were growing up, perhaps something a bad parent or another harmful adult did to you, or an unpleasant experience in childhood, may well trigger emotional reactions and sexual difficulties, including delayed ejaculation.

Therapy – Yes Or No?

The main goal of psychotherapy is to help a man understand where his thoughts and feelings come from.

Other goals are

• to encourage the open expression of feelings
• to help a man understand his lack of arousal in sexual situations
• and to get over the sense that he must sexually perform to a certain standard for the satisfaction of its partner.
• Therapy involves helping a man see things differently.
• And it also aims to change unhelpful, misleading or simply incorrect beliefs around the nature of sex and relationships between a man and woman.

In short, therapy is a way of digging out the false beliefs which are running your life and replacing them with ones that are more real.

Some examples of false beliefs which contribute to delayed ejaculation might be – “All women are untrustworthy”; “Women are only out for themselves”; “You can never trust a woman”; “Women just take and take and never give”; “Women are out to get men”; “It always ends badly when I’m with a Woman”; “She doesn’t really want me for who I am”; “It’s my job to make her come”; “I have to make sex good for her”; “I can’t take my pleasure until she’s satisfied”…. and on, and on, and on….

This is called Psychodynamic Therapy. It can be a slow and gradual process, with insights coming over a long period of time. But it can be speeded up by using any technique which helps a man change his mental and emotional attitudes.

With ejaculation problems, there are many ways to approach a cure

But dealing with underlying feelings of aggression, hostility and other unconscious forces, such as guilt, excessive control and poor personal boundaries is a good start.

Therapy which involves a number of approaches is most helpful, so the underlying thoughts, feelings, emotions and beliefs can be explored.

These things can produce some interesting emotional conflicts – “I love her and I hate her” being a common one.

Hostile or aggressive impulses, feelings of guilt, and rigid defense mechanisms can be explored and dealt with.

Reframing approaches, or seeing things differently, from a grown up point of view, also called decontamination by Transactional Analysis therapists, are all about correcting false beliefs.

This involves teasing out incorrect beliefs or simply providing new information to erroneous ways of thinking.

You and Your Partner – When You Can’t Ejaculate

Many men who have trouble ejaculating somehow think they are withholding something important from their partner and believe they should be more “giving”.

Changing this attitude and emphasizing that it’s OK to be selfish during sex are both important ways to shift the block on ejaculation and help a man overcome his slow, slow progress towards arousal and ejaculation.

The Ideal Form Of Psychotherapy?

Most therapists would take a holistic approach to treatment for delayed ejaculation (also called male anorgasmia or male orgasmic disorder).

For example, they might use guided stimulation techniques to help a man give up his excessive sense of self-control during intercourse.

They might teach him techniques to increase the level of stimulation he receives during sex.

The therapist can help a man to understand that he does not need to be totally in control during sex, and that he can give up his urge to achieve orgasm at all costs.

Of course, such an approach requires great sensitivity, flexibility and creativity. In this way he will soon be able to achieve orgasm. This is all about overcoming the inhibitions that stop him ejaculating.

Your Thinking Patterns and Delayed Ejaculation

Destructive or self-critical thinking isn’t too helpful, as you can imagine. Thoughts about failure, poor performance, and so on, may inhibit orgasm and cause low sexual arousal. Several therapeutic techniques are likely to be successful.

Hostile or aggressive impulses, for example, may indicate strong feelings of guilt or of sexual shame, and these need to be changed for the better.

In this case, counseling or therapy may be aimed at improving the man’s insight into his fears, understanding past traumatic experiences, and understanding how they play out in his behavior in his current relationship.

Often, reframing may be used. A man may be encouraged to acknowledge his lack of desire for sexual intercourse and the question explored of how sexually aroused he is during intercourse.

This approach requires both a readiness to change common beliefs about male sexuality in general and delayed ejaculation in particular.

For example, if a man focuses on his own needs during intercourse, he may be helped to feel his own need for additional stimulation to bring him to the point of ejaculation.

He’ll come to understand how and why he currently stays at a low level of arousal, and how he blocks his own energy flow towards higher levels of arousal and eventually orgasm.

By understanding this, a man who is constantly trying to “achieve orgasm for his partner” becomes receptive to new ways of enjoying sex.

Regrettably many a woman shares the male belief that the man has total responsibility for her orgasms, and therefore sees the man’s slow ejaculation as some kind of rejection.

So therapy needs to involve the partner. She will be more relaxed and less demanding when she understands that the man is trying too hard to achieve an orgasm for her.

The exercises below are specifically designed for ejaculation problems.

They are taken, with the author’s permission, from an excellent book on how to treat delayed ejaculation at home in private without professional sex therapy. You can buy the book at Amazon.co.uk or you can buy the book at Amazon.com

This series of exercises will (1) increase your comfort with sex even further, and (2) stop you responding with anxiety when your arousal decreases or when you think you might not be able to ejaculate.

At the same time, the exercises will help you to become more sensitive to your level of physical arousal. This way, you will become less sensitive to the fear of not being able to ejaculate, less anxious about penetration and sexual situations, and more aware of the physical sensations which give you pleasure during sex.

The exercises are designed in small steps; please don’t jump ahead. Take it slowly and over time you’ll find that you make big advances in your ability to stay relaxed and keep your arousal high. (If you take it too fast, you may become experience setbacks and become disappointed.)

And, by the way, if you happen to have an erection problem, you need to deal with the erection problem before you tackle your inability to ejaculate.

 Exercise 1

Learning to enjoy your partner’s touch to your penis and testicles without becoming anxious or performance oriented

Learning to accept what is offered during sex

Here is the key you need to make this work. Read this carefully and absorb it: Don’t focus on your erection or on your arousal or anything other than the sexual experience you are having.

Stop worrying about how aroused you are and start enjoying the sex. This exercise has 3 parts.

1. A) Masturbation alone

You’re used to masturbating with porn, perhaps, or with fantasies which you create in your mind. This time, however, you’re going to do it differently. You’re going to bring yourself off without any stimulation except your hand. And, while you’re doing it, you’re going to focus on your body and check out what feels good, what doesn’t feel so good, and what you might like to ask your partner to do in the future.

The first thing you need is a quiet time and space where you can relax, without being disturbed or interrupted. Lie naked on your bed in a warm room and begin to explore yourself, with lube if you prefer it, slowly and easily. This is not a test, it’s not a race to get yourself off, and it’s not a challenge or comparison with what’s happened before.

All you are doing is learning about the pleasure your body can give you. And, of course, checking out that given time and the right kind of stimulation, you will get aroused and want to ejaculate – and you can take that sensation into sex with your partner.

Try various ways of stimulating yourself, various strokes, various pressures, various movements of your hand on your penis and testicles.

At first you may find that you want to race ahead and ejaculate. Slow down! If you then find that you’re beginning to fantasize, relax, reduce your anxiety by breathing deeply, and start stimulating yourself with your hand once again.

If you find yourself fantasizing, just tell yourself that you’re there to find out how it feels when you just use your hand, and bring your attention back to what you’re feeling in your body.

You may be surprised to find that it takes you longer to get aroused than it would without any fantasy. You might find that your erection is not as full as you’d like; those things are quite natural. Don’t despair, don’t give up, and do repeat the experience twice a week.

What you’ll find as time goes by is that you come to enjoy the physical sensations more, and your arousal gets higher and more consistent.

You may need to repeat this experience a few times before you “get it”. If you have real trouble, use fantasy to get started and then as you get hard, focus on your physical sensations.

Now, here’s the crucial thing: as you get near to orgasm, stop stimulating yourself and relax until your erection has gone away almost completely.

As you wait for it to go down, relax and reduce any anxiety you feel by using the relaxation techniques we described earlier.

When your anxiety is reduced, and you’re relaxed, start masturbating again until your erection has returned. Carry on until you’re near orgasm once again, then stop and relax as before. The third time you do this, continue masturbating until you ejaculate.

The whole point of this is that you’ll see that your body will respond to what you are doing, that you do have control over your ejaculation, and you can both decrease and increase your arousal at will. These may be new sensations for you.

But what if, despite your best intentions, you become anxious? Well, relax, certainly. Also, don’t be too hard on yourself. Use fantasy if you wish to soothe yourself….

Whatever the cause of your problems, whether you are not in touch with your body, or your anxiety is too high, you can adapt the exercise by using fantasy until you are near orgasm, at which point you should focus once again on your physical sensations.

Once you have achieved some success in this process and more confidence about your control over your arousal and ejaculation, you can begin to relinquish fantasy and rely more on pleasurable physical sensations to get yourself aroused.

By now you will have some clear ideas about what kind of touch you like best, what turns you on the most, and what gives you the most physical pleasure.

1. B) Enjoying your partner’s touch without expecting to get an erection

Ask your partner to read these instructions before trying the exercise…

I once spoke with a client about touching, and in the course of our discussion he said, “I think the only time it’s natural to touch is when men and women are having sex.”

What a limited attitude! The idea that you should only touch when you are having sex is completely at odds with the way we are made, and what most of us actually want – which is frequent, reassuring touch.

This is an idea that leads to people being deprived of touch, and unfortunately it also means that we come to see touch as very sexualized.

For example, you may think that the minute a woman touches your penis, you should instantly become aroused and get an erection. The truth is that it doesn’t matter whether you do or you don’t!

Indeed, it’s important that you can be comfortable with your penis being touched by a woman without getting an erection. What’s more, even being around a naked woman should not necessarily make you spring to attention, so don’t worry if you find you haven’t got an erection when your partner walks around naked.

Start this exercise by lying on your stomach on the bed. Close your eyes and relax. Your partner will touch you all over with a patting motion to start with. Next, she will change her touch to a sensuous stroking movement.

The touch, however, is non-sexual, and the aim is not for you to become aroused!

However, if you do, it doesn’t matter, but do remember that you are trying to be fully in the moment and fully relaxed. If your anxiety begins to increase, use the relaxation techniques we described earlier, breathe out, dispel your anxiety, gently remind yourself that you are staying in the moment, and focus again on the here and now: especially what you are feeling, what she is doing to you.

Lie back and enjoy this. If you feel self-conscious about your naked penis, its size or any other aspect of its appearance, try sharing this with your partner.

That you would confide in her something so personal is a major sign of trust. As she strokes and caresses your penis, just focus on how it feels, and what you like and don’t like.

Please remember that you do not need to get an erection, and it doesn’t matter if you do or you don’t, because what you are doing here is learning to keep your anxiety under control.

1. C)  Becoming sexually aroused with your partner: there are two parts to this stage of the process

Part 1

Lie with your partner in the position we described earlier for the synchronized breathing exercise. Enjoy this process for five or ten minutes, then switch into normal foreplay.

When you’re feeling relaxed and intimate, ask your partner to start stimulating your penis sexually, with her hand, mouth or by rubbing her body against it.

You may find the touch of her vulva especially arousing, but if this makes you anxious, remember to relax and breathe until your anxiety has dissipated.

Once again, remember that your objective is to stay relaxed, present in the moment, and focus purely on what you are feeling and the pleasure it is giving you.

Try not to focus on how your erection is doing, how excited you are, what’s happening for your partner, whether or not she wants something else from you, and so on. This is just about you.

Once you are erect, relax, ask your partner to stop stimulating you, and lie with her until your erection has subsided. Then repeat the process.

Finally, after you have become erect, let her masturbate you to orgasm, or do it yourself.

If you find that you cannot relax and you become anxious, or you don’t get an erection, or your erection comes and goes a lot, go back to the earlier part of the exercise.

If that happens, it’s likely you’re worrying about sex, or what your partner wants, or something outside yourself. To repeat: this is about you and your physical pleasure, nothing more.

Once you find that your erection returns readily when your partner is sexually stimulating you, and you remain relaxed about this, move on to Part 2 below.

Part 2

This time, you do the same thing as above except that you and your partner both touch each other. It’s important for you to understand that most of your sexual arousal is not gong to come from touching your partner, or seeing her naked, pleasant though this may be!

Your arousal comes from being stimulated by her, and accepting her touch in a relaxed way without becoming anxious about your performance, or about how aroused she is, or how aroused you are, or anything else (including whether or not you can give her an orgasm!)

The distraction of being able to touch your partner may make this exercise easier for you than Part A, since you have something else to focus on besides the state of your erection and how aroused you are.

But if you become aware that you are slipping into watching and judging yourself, for example measuring how aroused you are – or judging how well you think you are arousing your partner – then, as always, relax, breathe out, come back to the present moment, and start over.

Repeat this process at least twice, and preferably three times, and then continue on to orgasm in whatever way you prefer – oral sex, masturbation, frottage – but not intercourse.

Note: if you find that you are still not getting aroused, you may have a problem with your libido (assuming that this is not a reflection of how you feel about your relationship or your partner). You may wish to look for advice on low male libido on the internet.